RANDOMOCITY :: 07/30/09 (BONUS COVERAGE)

When you are driving along and you see a unique bumper sticker, do you ever get curious as to who's driving? Lord knows I do and the other day I was following an extended van with no rear windows that had a bumper sticker proclaiming "Keep honking, I'm reloading". Naturally, I change lanes and speed up a little to get a peek at the driver and it was this cute old lady who was sitting all low in the seat. By reloading, she must have meant her Depends.

I'm almost done perfecting the pneumatic tube technology that will be replacing highways and roads as we know it. No more gas money, no more calling shotgun, no more traffic jams, no more accidents. Just *FWOOOOOMP* and you're there!

Team Rubber Biscuit is officially entered in the team trivia league at Shillings for the Fall season. Be afraid, be very afraid.

"It's better to have people hate you for who you are than love you for who you aren't"

I'm not sure if I'm a big fan of the aloe-infused toilet paper. Sticks a lil too much for my liking.

I really like water chestnuts wrapped in bacon. Oh yeah, harvest cheddar flavored Sunchips too!

Did you know Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame was born in 1890 (he's dead now) and his first name is Harland? Now you know.

Teenage girls + cell phones + automobiles = traffic diarrhea.

On the topic of Best Buy, isn't the greeter/security guy at the entrance one of the most annoying people ever? You know he's always going to say "Hi, welcome to Best Buy, how are you doing?" Like he cares? He asks every single person who walks in that. Does anyone respond? Someday I promise, I am going to sprint into a Best Buy store and see if I can get past security schmuck without being greeted.

Is there anything lazier than those completely able bodied people who make it a point to hit the handicapped door opener buttons and then walk through the door after it opens? I was at UW-Parkside the other day and some lazy cow went out of her way to push the button leading into Comm Arts and then proceeded to wait for the door to slowly creak open. I felt a crime coming on!

Is there anything less attractive then a girl who smokes?

A couple of things I hope to do in my life: Backpack across Europe for at least 3 months, swim (in a cage of course) with great white sharks off the coast of South Africa, own a pug or St. Bernard, skydive, return to Magen's Bay, St. Thomas, hone my piano skills and join a band, be celebrating in the Flats as either the Cleveland Browns or Cleveland Indians win world championships, get confirmed, visit Russia, retire as young as possible, marry and grow old with one special person, attend a Rugby World Cup and an Olympics, live to be 100, find true inner peace and contentment, be a good father and husband, eat sushi in Japan, kiss someone under a waterfall at sunset in Hawaii, win the lottery and never wear the same pair of socks twice, and live to see cars that don't run on gasoline become standard in our country.

I am wrapping up a fantastic political satire from Jon Stewart of the Daily Show entitled "America the Book". An excerpt if you will:

"As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death— all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist many other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them."

If another cashier at Best Buy offers me 8 free issues of Sports Illustrated, I might slap them in the face with a Meatloaf CD.

I think back to my Peg and Lou’s days, and honestly I can’t remember squat about what we ever really did there. All I remember is it was good times.

Saw a two funny bumper stickers the other day. One read "Guns kill people like spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat". The other read "I'm so evil, the Devil worships me". Good for a chuckle.

If you've ever seen the movie Slapshot, you have to admit that Morris is a really funny character, even though he only has like 10 lines.

If someone passes on, why are they then referred to as "late" like "my late aunt". They aren't late! They're dead. If you are waiting on them to arrive on time, you might be waiting awhile. I hate when a band that has only been around since the 90's, or worse yet, this decade, comes out with a greatest hits CD. It should be mandated that bands have at least 5-10 CD's before they can come out with a greatest hits CD. And no more putting one or two unreleased/unplugged/recently unearthed tracks on greatest hits CD's just to sucker us true fans into buying them just so we can be at peace knowing we own all your songs.

NAACP stands for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. I might be nuts, but isn't "colored people" politically incorrect and kind of a paradox when describing the plight of the African American? Why not call it the National Association for the Advancement of African Americans or NAAAA for short?

Isn't it funny how when you pull up to a line of cars at a red light, there's just certain vehicles you'll do anything to not have to be behind. Like semis? Or cars with "Driver's Education" signs on the top? Or old people? Or minivans? On second thought, I might have to scratch the minivans one because some of them are driven by soccer moms who are super competitive, especially at the sport of "carpooling" and/or "recreational driving".

It should be illegal to smoke on beaches. There's just something unsettling about sitting on a beautiful beach, taking in the sounds and smells of the tide and the sand and then catching a whiff of a Marlboro Red.

Ever wondered why barns are consistently painted red? According to howstuffworks.com, the reason is as follows:

Centuries ago, European farmers would seal the wood on their barns with an oil, often linseed oil -- a tawny-colored oil derived from the seed of the flax plant. They would paint their barns with a linseed-oil mixture, often consisting of additions such as milk and lime. The combination produced a long-lasting paint that dried and hardened quickly. (Today, linseed oil is sold in most home-improvement stores as a wood sealant.) Wealthy farmers added blood from a recent slaughter to the oil mixture. As the paint dried, it turned from a bright red to a darker, burnt red. Poorer farmers added ferrous oxide, otherwise known as rust, to the oil mixture. Rust was plentiful on farms and is a poison to many fungi, including mold and moss, which were known to grown on barns. These fungi would trap moisture in the wood, increasing decay. Regardless of how the farmer tinted his paint, having a red barn became a fashionable thing. They were a sharp contrast to the traditional white farmhouse. As European settlers crossed over to America, they brought with them the tradition of red barns. In the mid to late 1800s, as paints began to be produced with chemical pigments, red paint was the most inexpensive to buy. Red was the color of favor until whitewash became cheaper, at which point white barns began to spring up.

I'm torn between which song is worse. "Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Mayer or "Bent" by Matchbox 20. It's like Wilson Phillips took individual poops, mushed them together, and created these two songs.

Why is Ulysses S. Grant on the $50 bill. I mean, we got George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, Andrew Johnson, and Ben Franklin on our other bills. How does an alcoholic civil war general widely regarded as one of the worst presidents ever get his face on a piece of currency? Especially a piece that's worth 50 stinkin' dollars!

One question? Michael Moore - where is that fat slob now?

Guacamole - fantabulistiscrumtralescent!

Why do they make ashtrays in cars anymore? When was the last time you saw a smoker actually ash in their car's ashtray? I'd say never because everytime I see a smoker, their cig is hanging out the window and when they are done, they flick it the butt on the road.

This kid at age 4 is a better dancer then I will ever be.

Pat McCurdy covers the 80s

The theme song for my life since last November

Well folks, this is it till I get back August 9th. Catch ya in a week or so.